2009 can SUCK IT!

I am not sure why one day, that day being the eve of the next year matters so much, but I DO know that 2009 can suck it …I don’t think it’s just me that feels this way, it’s been weird, hard, unsatisfying and all kinds of things bizarre. Everyone blames the economy and FOR SURE that was a big chunk, but also there was and underlying insidious feeling of both apathy and entitlement in the air. It could be where I live but I have a feeling that it could be more wide spread. It’s hard to keep your chin up when you keep getting punched in it. It seemed that even when there were charitable things being done -it seemed that it was done for show and not for the right reasons. What happened? Why ? And for God sake, how will it change? Will it change? I don’t mean to be a downer but people need to start getting real with themselves and “get over ” themselves- believe me I am right in that line.
We ALL need to reflect and work on ourselves. We cannot help others until we are on the right road ourselves. My analogy is this:
You know when the flight attendant is giving instructions on how to be effective when the plane is going down? They say to strap the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child or another person…because you cannot be effective until you are secure.
Hmmmmm, that goes the same for anything in life- you cannot be successful in any personal,social or business relationships until you are secure in those areas.
I believe it extends from person to person all the way to countries helping other countries-The U.S. is in such a shambles, and I know this sounds so naive , but we need to get secure ourselves first. We are ineffective at this point and I think it stresses us all out whether we know it or not-it’s an under current of a “no win ” situation so we end up just saying “fuck it, I’ll just get what I can and take care of myself because I am so tired of just treading water”, with moments of guilt and clarity that still keep the charitable pieces gleaming through.
So what’s the next step?
I don’t know, but I DO know that I will be reflecting for sure..I DO know that

Hope

Hope is an overused word. I think it might have a couple meanings.
It’s a great word- one of the best, along with love, joy, peace, health, and orgasm -to name a few.
But what does it mean- Hope?
I think it means “To Dream” Hope means a dream that you have of what you would like to see happen. Correct?
Hope is good intentions…unless you hope someone gets hit by a bus, of course , than not good intentions.
Hope is what we hang onto- Hope is what makes us carry on everyday. EVERYDAY!
When we have a bad day, we HOPE it will get better.
I hope to see all you soon.
I hope my kids will get good grades.
I hope something every single day of my life.
So what’s the disconnect?
I’ll tell you what it is-
Reality- How do you make” hope” real?
There’s no Step 2 from hoping to making it real….there is no verbal process or a game plan for it. It gets complicated because some things that you hope CAN be put on your “To Do” list, and some things you just cross your fingers and pray that it will all pan out.
I think that’s the disconnect when it comes to HOPE.
There should be 2 HOPE’s.
One that you actually CAN make happen and the one that is just a total crapshoot and we don’t even know what the odds are..
It’s not to say that I don’t have HOPE but I really need to be clear on hoping and kidding myself.
Is it the same thing as getting your prayers answered? Or is it the same thing as taking steps on your own to make what you hoped for happen? Or is it a bit of both? Is HOPE ..Prayer? Or is HOPE .. action -reaction?
Well, whatever it is, I will always Hope and Dream and pray and act and react…all of it together in one great big HOPE stew, and HOPEFULLY ( heehee) it will all come out okay…

Forget about The Soul- Let’s Address The Shallow Outer Appearance Part II

The whole environment of what’s beautiful and what’s acceptable beauty is up for major personal interpretation. I hate to say it but I feel better about myself when people compliment me…YIKES! I said it! Last night was a perfect example: Having just shorn my hair and took out the extensions, I felt a bit like Samson- I don’t have any power. So it was really great to have these two handsome men walk up to me and gush over how pretty I looked. I immediately felt better. I knew when I was getting ready that night that I looked pretty good but the compliment made it all valid. Weird. The day before I had shopped and I caught this woman look me up and down and shake her head- I almost took her down to China Town! Why? What was the shaking of the head? What was it that she saw and why? Here’s the interesting thing, I am more curious in how that woman came to have that reaction than the fact that she HAD that reaction. I want to know why-is it fear? Is it my fear? Is is her fear? I was the exact opposite of her in the looks department but I was put together pretty well. Strange. I wish I would have turned around and asked her about it but that’s called ummmm… “psychotic”…and it WAS Christmas Eve and all…so no. As I walked away I told my husband about it and he said it was my own insecurities.Typical man. Hmmmm.. Then why did she shake her head in a judgmental way? It certainly wasn’t because I was too thin, or had the best clothing, or had beautiful long shiny hair, because that’s called – GOOD.She shook her head because she didn’t like what she saw! Period. Then it occurred to me that maybe she wasn’t even really looking at me- maybe she was lost in thought thinking how much she still had to get on Christmas Eve and was running out of time, maybe her family didn’t make the plane, maybe she burnt the turkey……Nah, that bitch was looking at me… I should’ve cut her!

Forget about The Soul-Let’s address the Shallow Outer Appearance- Part I

Breaking holiday tradition of being grateful for what we’ve got and all that crap, I’ve been noticing how people tend to look at a person’s outer appearance.
I have had the good fortune and incredible misfortune of being able to wear ANY hair color and hair style and also have weighed ,at different times, between 115- 185 pounds.
That being said, it is most interesting the way the world , judges and treats you according to the previously mentioned attributes. It’s bizarre really. I guess I do the same thing to some degree but I CAN ALWAYS tell if a person is an ass right off the bat on how they give you the once over and here is my formula for this:
Recently I have met two beautiful young women who know each other, are relatively the same age , and run in the same circles- so an instant focus group!
First let me describe my outer appearance- I am 47, but don’t look it ( maybe 38?) , I’m about 20 pounds over weight ( not fat but not thin), I have recently bleached my hair out and cut it short- almost a boy cut.
These women are the typical Beautiful Blondes with great worked out tiny size 0 figures .
So! The first young woman, when introduced to me, shook my hand and looked me directly in the eyes and searched my face while saying hello before then moving downward , to check out the rest of this slightly fleshy, hot little number that I am. Totally normal reaction.
The next young woman, when introduced to me, did not reach out her hand right away, but did the most amazingly fast “once over twice” , starting ( embarrassingly to me ) at my toes, almost looking sideways to see if my heels were dry or cracked or something. She quickly , you could almost see it, ticked off her mental checklist version of Mr. Blackwell’s best and worst dressed list before settling on my face which she, at that point, could have cared less having made up her mind about me. I don’t think I passed the white glove test.
So you can guess who I believe to be the nicer, more honest,loyal person. Guess what? As it turns out, that’s EXACTLY how they conduct themselves when speaking of other people- My formula works! Eye’s first=Good Feet first=Bad.
Stay tuned, I’ve only scratched the surface of this topic! Here’s to the eyes!

My First Post is really My first Note on Facebook- I then realized I needed to put it ALL out there!

My First NoteShare
Today at 7:33am | Edit Note | Delete
I see people writing notes and it seems like a diary or a blog and wonder why do it? I guess to get something off your mind, to be thoughtful or just share the extra bits with anyone that cares to read it. So guess I will write a note too.

Since I don’t sleep much-I am up so early this seems like a good time to write. EIther write or shop online and I am broke, words are free!

I am going to start it off by saying 2009 sucked the big one- not only for me but it seems for a lot of my friends also. I am pissed at 2009, it drained me of hope. Hope for making money, hope for my mother stepping up to the plate and acting like a human being, hope for friends that I haven’t spoken to and dearly miss but I can’t change what’s transpired, hope that my son would come back to me, hope that I would lose weight, hope that I could make time for myself, my sons, my husband, my friends.Hope that happiness would prevail, Hope that I would wake up in the morning and not feel exhausted.
I know this all sounds defeatest but that’s how 2009 all sort of happened.I know that some things were in my control and some things weren’t but this is what it is at this point.
I know I ‘m supposed to be grateful for the good things I have but I’m not-it didn’t balance out. The crappy things were so crappy this year that it over shadowed the good. SO THERE, I said it!
But here’s the good news- For some crazy reason, I have an insane amount of HOPE for 2010. I know it’s just another day but January 1st 2010 is ,in my mind, bright and hopeful and chock full of opportunity! It’s as if The old world will fall away in my mind and a new one will be born. I have made small moves recently to make this happen. I am restructuring my place of business to work for me and not me work for “it”. I have brought amazing people into my life recently and I intend to appreciate them everyday.
I had a “summit” meeting with my son and husband and I intend to spend an incredible amount of time dedicated only to them and maybe, just maybe, my other son will come back when he is ready.
I will get healthy- I have the most amazing beautiful clothes in my closet that don’t fit and by hook or by crook, they will fit again.
I cannot do anything about my mother and don’t intend to but I will appreciate all the people in my life that I look up to as mentors and spend time with them.
I will honor the friends I do have and stop mourning the friends that I have lost- it gets me no where but depressed.
I am what I call “weeding my garden”- that means getting rid of toxic people- one being my ex husband! My boys are finally old enough, so last night I told him to walk the plank, sit and spin, eat my dust, take a long walk off a short pier, basically get out of my life! He’s an ex for a reason and he makes me crazy- so I don’t need his “child support” he can have it- just get out! I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders last night! YAY!
2009- I shake a fist at you
2010- I have open arms
This all might be more info than maybe I should put out there maybe a bit too personal but, screw it, it’s all the truth and if you are reading this, we are friends and I have nothing to hide.It’s the way I “roll”-Heehee. SO this is my note, feels good, like therapy- maybe this is the start of something new?
See? I just started- I ran out and gave our ” sanitary maitenance worker” – trash man, a Christmas gift ( money)! I already feel better- Here I come 2010 running as fast I as I can!!!!